Above: Simon tries to show off with his textbook delivery stride but lets himself down with the non-regulation dark trim on the pocket. Tut tut!
At 2pm on Sunday (April 28) it was curses all round.
Our pitch was double-booked.
By 7pm, we were cursing that we'd found another one ...after getting royally thumped in the process.
Ah, the hallowed tradition of the Cincers season's curtain-raiser - chaos on and off the pitch, biting cold winds and clouds as low as the brim of the Skipper's pointlessly optimistic sun hat.
It was miracle the game ever happened at all.
Old Fallopians (there's an in-joke to the name), in theory our hosts for the day, pulled out on the Friday because their Parliament Hill ground was waterlogged.
But what a relief - Barnes Common near Richmond was available, so it was game back on.
Until we arrived there and discovered the pitch was already being used, by Barnes Common CC of all people.
Much milling around ensued during which Dee bailed out, saying he'd been offered a game by his son in Windsor (presumably with Her Majesty buttering the scones for tea).
But after two failed attempts to find an alternative wicket, we got one at a nearby sports centre.
The goose droppings on the outfield were a bit off-putting but it was otherwise perfectly playable.
A reduced 25-over game was agreed and the Skip (that's me) promptly kept up with hallowed tradition by losing the toss.
OF's captain Will opted to bat first.
It would be kindest to draw a veil over what followed.
Most of the bowlers (me included) would prefer that.
Let's just say that only new signing Simon Murphy and Richard H hit their straps.
Simon's 1 for 18 off 5 of nippy medium-pacers was the bowling performance of the day though Richard ('can I say something?') was unlucky not to bag a wicket.
But then, as Dee had legged it, Abid and Majid were our joint substitute keepers and struggled on the stumping chances.
In the field, we were poor - three catches spilled and the odd howler on the boundary.
A total of 200 for 2 off 25 was always a tough ask - especially as we were not overladen with batting and we needed eight an over.
Test Match (Tim R) opened up with the Skip (me again) with the idea of setting a base and storming to the summit.
We started OK with Tim whacking one six and the Skip getting off strike as soon as he could.
When he went (stumped_, in came Simon M.
(It should have been Abid but he couldn't find one of his pads. 'Who's taken one of my pads?' he asked a passing goose.)
Simon has looked good in the nets but in the middle, he was better than that.
Some crisp shots from the two batsmen produced murmurs of concern from OF's.
Then disaster.
Simon, clipping one wide of cover, called the single when he'd have been better shouting 'Waiting!'
Test Match was run out (by a country mile) to jubilation from our opponents.
Enter Abid, apparently having eased Tim's pain as he passed him by telling him that there was a run there!
Simon was distraught at the run-out but there's nothing like being yelled at by Abid to 'get a move on' to take your mind off a clanger.
But after some cultured shots, Simon skied one to point and departed for 20-odd.
Striding to the crease at number five was Alex 'Wowsher' Westie, all biceps and burly bravado.
Was this, big-hitting Westie and wily Abid, the combination to put Cincers right back on track?
Er, sadly not.
They started well but it rapidly became clear that there was nothing civil about this partnership.
One man's cries of 'hurry up, Westie!' were answered by yells of 'Shut up Abid!'
But that was mild compared to Alex's 'what the...!' reaction when he was triggered LB by Richard umpiring.
Kiwi Dan P, our second debutant of the day, then arrived to join Abid.
It was a brief partnership as Abid, trying to get a move on, was bowled round his legs by one of OF's sharper bowlers.
(Incidentally, our opponents had sportingly kept their quickest guys back till later given their huge score).
'Magic' Majid, with his bat borrowed from a Pakistani Test player (forgotten his name) then reminded the Skipper (me again) that he should have been up the order.
He played a couple of majestic shots to give Cincers' score a healthier look.
In between, Dan played a very fine back-foot drive to the point boundary only to see the ball pulled up just before the rope.
The pair were going well until a run-out intervened.
Racing the danger end for a debatable second, Dan was undone by a direct hit from the outfield.
New Zealand gent that he is, there was no backward glare at Majid for calling him for a dodgy second. The two were still on speaking terms after stumps.
But if that was a silly call, the next run-out was positively suicidal.
Majid was short of his ground by about six feet.
It was his own call so presumably he hasn't spoken to himself since.
That left the two heroes of Finchley 2012 at the crease - Chris H with his trademark old-style cricket cap and battling Chris P.
No repeat, though, of their daring deeds of last September.
Chris H departed, leaving Richard H as our last man (we were down one because of Dee's departure).
OF's fielders had much enjoyed Richard giving Alex some batting advice earlier from his umpire's position.
So there was much anticipation as the off-spinner took guard.
He glanced carefully round to assess the field and then readied himself.
With a meaningful stare, the bowler began his run-up before exploding into the delivery stride.
Across the river, a cormorant...OK, sorry, I'm stringing this out because Richard's innings only lasted one ball.
He got castled by an in-swinging yorker with one stump left pegged back in splendid isolation.
138 all out and game over.
Lessons learnt? In a desperate run-chase, pack the top order with whatever big hitters are available.
Oh and get that Pakistani Test cricketer mate of Majid's to play for us.
And keep on the phone to Dee because, as it happened, he didn't get a game with his son's team and so was available to play for us.
* A big thank you to Old Fallopians for being fine opponents and giving us a superb 'curry feast' of a tea.
And thanks also to Barnaby, Chris H's son, for fielding for us on a chilly afternoon.
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