CCC v BK - Greenwich

What is it about this fixture? Over the last few years, we must have played BK more than most teams and yet every time the two sides seem to end up locked in another thrilling contest.
This one, I would submit, takes the home-made cake.
Conditions couldn't have been more different from the previous week, when the sun beat down on a glorious afternoon and Greenwich park seemed to have slipped a few thousand miles south along the Prime Meridian to Africa - Ghana, or Togo, perhaps.
No, our home ground had rediscovered its true bearings on the chill eastern edge of the most famously miserable city in the world.
Wind howled through the white slats of the sight screens. Icy drizzle clung to newly budding trees. Shocked voles, emerging from hibernation, scurried away and threw themselves under lorries on Shooters Hill just to escape their frozen misery.
The Skipper, wisely, rigged the toss and chose to bat, mainly to give us the chance to thaw out after spending the morning forcing boundary markers into the permafrost.
Cincinnati's reliably egocentric opening pair of Selfish Batter and Selfish Butter (aka Lurpak) put on 48 for the first wicket. The partnership ended only when Lurp reverted to form after some unusually dashing shots and re-located that trusty outside edge.
Will and Simon drove and pulled their way to good scores but both fell short of 50 as BK's bowlers applied pressure and never let the Natti batters get away.
An immaculately executed 18 followed from Stephen, who looked for all the world as if he had wintered like a swallow in the warmer climes of Mark Ramprakash's Caribbean Batting Academy.
Important contributions from Rocky and the Vice Captain helped Cincinnati to 180 for 7 at tea as snow clouds gathered overhead.
In an inspired effort to warm us all up, the Vice Captain provided a glorious spread, including a pasta salad laced with explosive chillies. Amy (Mrs Lurpak) supplied the first tray of brownies of 2008.
Suitably immobilised by lard, we took the field to defend what always looked likely to prove an inadequate score.
Howling Mad Max had his first outing of the year and tore in from the Pavilion End (do we have one of those?) with a fine spell of fast bowling. He removed two key BK batters for just 26 runs off his allotted overs.
But the opposition were making steady progress towards their target, despite the best efforts of Adam and the Chairman to keep runs to a minimum. Rahman, Ferhan and our old wicket-keeping mate Pete pushed the score to within reach of our total with some determined batting.
That is, until what must surely count as one of the most remarkable transformations in modern cricketing history.
Selfish Batter, the mainstay of our top order for the past 350 years, dramatically, sickeningly, like some multi-headed slithering alien from Dr Who, morphed into The Incredible Selfish Bowler.
With a run-up that suggests an almost total contempt for the bowler's art, the ISB slung down a series of vicious swinging deliveries in the semi-darkness. From his near stationary position next to the umpire, he prized out three BK batsmen for no runs in a single crucial over, helped by some brilliant catching from Rocky. Normally, this is the sort of thing that other teams do to us, but suddenly Cincinnati were back in the match.
With just one over left and BK down to their last pair, the batsmen nicked another run.
The scores were level. There was one ball left and one run needed for a BK victory or a dot ball or wicket for a tie.
The ISB steamed in from no yards away, slinging down another yorker, but BK squeezed it away in the gap backward of point and took the crucial run.
Much credit to the final pair of BK batters for keeping their cool and curses to the rest of them for another amazing match.
Cincinnati 180-7 after 40 overs (Selfish Batter 42, Will 33. Josh 3-37)
BK 181-9 from 40 overs (Ferhan 40, Rahman 37. Incredible Selfish Bowler 3-18, Lurpak 3-43).

New season - Cincinnati v West XI, 11 May 2008

Cincinnati overcame challenges on and off the field to ensure a successful start to the new season.

Prior to the match, the Skip & Vice's long deliberations over the batting order (see previous post) had been thrown into chaos with a couple of late changes to selection. Ash's shock withdrawal on Saturday afternoon (most had been anticipating Sunday morning at the earliest) was followed by news that our "secret batter" was not yet ready to come out of the shadows.

Clearly upset by the last-minute confusion, the Skip decided to preempt the traditional coin-tossing ritual with a direct request to bat first. The rattled West XI captain obliged and, despite a sometimes tricky wicket, we scored 172-7 off 35. Main contributors were Lurpak (47), Selfish (36) and Adam (29*). The Ross Bros held things together with a fifty partnership in the middle overs and Adam hit out well in the closing stages. His straight six in the last over was bettered only by an amazing Caribbean-style step across the stumps and whack to the mid-wicket boundary.

Highlights of tea were home-made carrot and ginger cake (Chairman) and wedding cake (Lurpak). After the interval, our fielding and bowling were impressive. Selfish and the Chairman both took three wickets (the latter needing a 13-mile run to warm up for his spell), Lurpak and Adam contained well and the Skip got his first stumping of the season. Special mention to Jack for his excellent keeping. West XI ended on 153-8, 20 runs short of victory.

Who is the Secret Batter? Can you help?

Reports just in suggest a Cincinnatian is taking secret batting lessons with a view to storming up the order this season.
According to well-placed sources, a senior, long-serving member of the team has privately engaged the help of a top batting coach behind the back of Cincinnati management.
The identity of the secret batter is as yet unconfirmed but perhaps you can unmask him.
It could be you've seen someone acting suspiciously outside the off stump or playing a highly unusual straight bat when a cross-bat swipe has always sufficed in the past.
May be you, or someone close to you, have heard the unmistakable sounds of secret coaching: the rattle of stumps being knocked over followed by "f**k! I'm wasting my bl**dy time and money!"
If so, do get in touch with the club police. The number is on page 4,986,999 of the current edition of Wisden.
But in the meantime, please - don't have nightmares. The chances of this person actually connecting with the ball are very, very remote. Sleep well!

'Hotshot' good omen on eve of season opener!

Pre-season training for senior Cincinnatians at Whitstable fete paid off handsomely yesterday.
The Skipper knocked spots off the opposition (mainly five and six-year-olds but also including the ex-Chairman) at the coconut shy by hitting this fine specimen from all of two yards.
The Skipper told Cincinnati News: "When the (fish and) chips are down, it's time to step up to the plate.
"This is an early warning to the opposition not to try any quick third runs this season when I've got the ball.
"Sadly, the ex-Chairman took 'coconut shy' literally and missed by a proverbial mile.
"The Vice-Skip refused to take up the challenge but far be it for me to point that out."
Warning: anyone who alters this caption to read 'Which One is the Coconut' will bat at 12 throughout the season (rockie, is that OK? I know it's your usual position).

2008 Strategy Summit

The new season is just days away, but the batting order is still causing the CCC leadership duo problems. Even after drawing up ten variations, neither appears to be willing to compromise.

Outfranked in Finchley

We rounded off the 2007 season with a trip to the marvellous pitch at Finchley. Sadly, not even the inspiration provided by a hard track, sight-screens & scoreboard or the combined firepower of 13 Cincers were enough to overcome the locals and their talismanic leader.

Finchley batted first and piled up a big score of around 230 before declaring. I'm sure we took some wickets along the way but really we were just waiting for Frank to let us have a go at batting (or was that just me?).

Our response was reminiscent of the Saturday Galway game. Selfish Batter and Lurpak built a solid opening partnership, and Finchley's strike bowlers were soon sent to graze in the long grass. But then an Aussie intervened to ruin things. Not a honey monster this time, but our very own Frank. Years of reconnaissance on CCC tours were rewarded as he picked off six of our batsmen. The final wicket fell with a couple of overs to go - just before the Skip could step in to call it off for bad light. And that was that for another year.

2007 season: P13 W5 WD1 LD0 L6 NR1

The day was notable for the last-minute challenge by Lurpak to claim the Selfish title: he arrived late to avoid the tedious opening overs, bowled about 55 overs of off spin, opened the batting and dominated tea and the post-match celebrations with the announcement of his engagement to Amy. Respect and many congratulations!








Ego-judge Rocky assesses the new contender ("Did he offer the team a slice of that cake?").

Thank you

Many thanks for the vouchers you gave us for our wedding. It was very much appreciated. For those interested, the official photos of the day are now available - the code is 96VMLD. A few Cincers feature around batch 22 I think. If your day is particularly empty, you can also have a look at our honeymoon pictures. There are quite a few there so I'd recommend putting them on a fast slideshow.

Finale to the 2007 season

"Do you want to bat or bowl first?" - the captain of Finchley's Sunday XI (he's on the left) takes the reins in Galway

Boys, we have nothing to fear but total and utter humiliation on Sunday.
However, Frank - the opposing Finchley skip (we only borrow him for tours) - has clearly already lost it.
Here he is talking to a horse in Galway.
Team for Sunday is: JP, Andy O, Rockie, Simon, Tim R, Jack, Chris, Dan, Jim, Ash and Brendan.
Please meet at the ground at midday for 1pm start. It's now September and you know how unpredictable I get when the nights are drawing in!
This is easily the best cricket wicket and pitch we'll have played on this summer, by the way.
There's an electronic scoreboard though it wasn't working the last time I batted for them (geddit?!)
Finchley CC's address is: East End Road, Arden Field, Finchley, N3 2TA.
(tel: 0208 346 1822).
Map link is: http://maps.google.co.uk/?q=N32TA
Finchley has a very good bar and clubhouse which we really should patronise after the match.
There's also talk of an end-of-season curry somewhere.
Brendan

Running on empty - half-strength Cincinnati hits the buffers

Simon, where were you! Selfish Batter has a nervous wedding-day fidget with the ring

Captain's Log - stardate: September 3, 2003

Suicide in Regent's Park in broad daylight.
Reduced to just eight players, Cincinnati did what we do best when our backs are against the wall - gift the opposition two wickets.
No sniggering please from the legion of absentees (Simon, Jim, Dan, Tom, Max, Tim R, Tim M, Stephen, Tappers, etc - I mean you) - we also came up against the sharpest bowler since the three wicket maiden Honeymonster in Galway.
The opposition, Village CC (new side, mates of Robert "Segment" Colvile), said they were "rather weak",
Batting-wise, they were.
Playing on a Royal Park bit of scrubland that made Greenwich look like Lords, Village posted 149 for nine off the 30-over limit (10 a side - Village gave us two players).
Rockie (two for 23 off six), Adam (two for 22 off six) bowled very well, as did Rob Sibson (a ringer from the oppo whose mobile number I pocketed) - 2 for 22 off three. Chris was tidy at one for 18 off four.
Sharp fielding, helped by an outfield of elephant grass, kept the boundaries down.
The champagne moment goes to Don, our West Indian star from the National, and JP for a stunning run-out combination.
JP kept superbly, his best effort yet - look out Tom, Rockie and Jack.
Sour moment when their umpire didn't give Village's best batsman out for an LBW off Andy O so obvious even the hippos in London Zoo behind us went up for it. He went on to get 28.
The Skip was nursing a sore calf muscle (yes, and the knees), so Chris and Ash went out to start Cincinnati's reply and knock them off.
Gulp! Shrewd move by the Captain (there's one a season) as someone bowling like Steve Harmison's younger brother nearly took Chris's head off with the first ball.
Waistline O'Moynihan would have fainted clean away.
At the other end, a niggardly, sharpish Kiwi called KP removed Chris with a good one.
Undaunted, Ash thick-edged KP to third man and decided there was two. There wasn't. Gift-wrapped run-out number one.
Adam slapped a Yorkshireman (always a good idea) but sadly straight to cover.
Enter JP to face KP. The vice-skip dug deep (why does he prospect for oil when taking guard - what's wrong with a simple line in the dirt to mark middle-and-leg).
A straight six and a swashbuckling effort but to no avail. He departed for 24.
Andy O had a go but perished for 12.
Cue the arrival of the hobbling Skip who chose Andy as his runner.
One scratched run was all he got. Andy, taking his lead from Ash, decided from the non-striker's end on a quck single even though first slip was already polishing the ball after an edge from Rockie.
Clunk! Happily, the Chairman didn't hear the Skip mutter "that's coming off your average" as we trooped off.
Solid effort from Rockie (12) and Village organiser Alex Page (10) for us as last-wicket pair but Cincinnati was all out for just over 100.

CCC v New Barbarian Weasels

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?

A fine team win this, in damp and dark conditions at Greenwich.

The 'Natti made first use of the bed of snakes which is our home pitch at Greenwich Park. We must have been on the same strip that prompted Moyners to remark here upon being skittled for zero two years: "It spat like a cobra."

Well, Lurpak was undone by a delivery that "lashed like an eel", pitching a good yard outside off and cutting back to clip the stumps, from the Weasels' star opening bowler.

CCC were in deep trouble, losing the Skip cheaply and The Shot shortly afterwards.

Then Desperate Dan came to the crease.

With a mixture of patience and brutal hitting, he tamed the venomous combination of good bowling and horrible gardening which had ruined several batters' afternoons already.

On the way to an unbeaten and ultimately matchwinning 77, Dan lofted five sixes out of the ground, three of which came in successive balls, including one majestic straight drive which nearly destroyed Greenwich Park's sole surviving sight-screen.

The parakeets were not pleased.

In the Chairman's absence, the vice-captain provided a fabulous tea, adapting his now famous "ready, steady, bat" technique to the subtle arts of the kitchen. Happily, he had more success carving pork pies than short balls outside off stump. The feast was again augmented by lucky brownies from Amy, whose clinically obsessive compulsion to bake thankfully shows no sign of getting better.

After a rousing huddle, complete with our very own second-hand theme tune, Cincinnati's soldiers of fortune took the field to defend 167.

From somewhere near the covers, Moyners was heard to mutter, "I ain't gettin on no plane, you crazy fool", before Tom offered him a milk drink to calm down. (In any case, the Skip decided not to bowl himself, thus making it safe for air traffic to resume its normal flight path over Greenwich.)

An all-round effort of tight bowling from Rocky, Max, Adam, Chris and Dan - allied to some excellent wicket keeping from Tom - restricted the Weasels when they looked set to chase down our total. In the end, Weasels finished 20 runs short. It was a soggy but tense encounter.

:: Thanks to the excellent A-Team Shrine website for the pic of the boys (http://www.ateamshrine.co.uk/index.php).

Chaps,

Just to clarify - there's a fixture missing off the list. It's on Saturday, September 1st against Village Cricket Club - new opponents who are providing the venue (I hope).

Scheduled last game is Sept 9 v. Frank's Finchley team at Finchley.

But JP and Andy O want to organise a final one against a team from the National Theatre. Any ideas for a venue and date, let either me or the Vice-Skip know - he never sleeps (especially in the hotel lobby at the end of the tour).

Cincinnati: the Tour of Glory

Glory in Galway - the victorious 2007 team

Captain's Log: stardate - 13/8/07.

Selfish Batter's on his honeymoon, so it's left to the Skipper of all people to write up the 2007 Tour report.
By the way, may I just point out that although I will make an exception for Bevan (I have to - look at his batting average, folks), it is not club policy to be in a successful relationship in your private life. You have been warned.
And so to Galway and a string of successful decisions by by the Skipper in his grandfather's ancestral backyard, kicking off with booking a hotel about five miles out of town and picking the busiest weekend in the city's year (also known as the Galway Races).
Day One: the advance party drinks Freeney's bar dry, under the expert guidance of Tommy Glynn, mate of the Skipper's from way back when.
Our illustrious Chairman, reports say, wants to change his name to Andy O'Guinness.
1am: back at the hotel, the Skipper orders Max, Tim R (aka Lurpak) and others to stand up as the hotel bar band plays the Irish national anthem to close proceedings. The Captain goes to bed.
5am: the rest of the team apparently follows.
Day Two: Cincinnati v. County Galway Cricket Club. Our first match day dawns bright and fair, and then chucks it down for almost the entire game. To follow suit, Cincinnatians chuck down virtually every catch that came our way as Galway bat.
Are 10 chances really spilled? How does Lurpak still get three for 34 off six? Max snaffles one of them and is the only person to take a catch until new boy James "Tappers" Tapsfield performs an extraordinary three-part take off the Skipper's bowling, ending in a full-length dive. Bravo!

We almost forget that Tappers began the Tour by heading for the wrong airport.
Sadly, in another stroke of genius, the Captain agrees to the opposing skip's request to allow a "new chap" to have a bat at the end of the innngs.
Enter the honeymonster from Down Under.
"Muscles" smashes 50 off two overs. Four straight sixes off the skip's non-spinning legspin. The Captain even sends down a cowpat and that gets clearance to land at Galway airport a couple of miles away. Tim "Waistline" Moynihan goes for an economical 19 in the final over. Galway get 214 for eight off 40. The Vice-Skip (JP) considers a coup d'etat.
Cue a storming fightback by Cincinnati, based on a 130-run opening standing by Selfish (74) and Lurpak (71).
Sadly, Muscles turns out to be a dab hand at bowling. A triple-wicket maiden at the close wrecks our brave effort. Cincinnati fall agonisingly short on 207 for six off 40.
Day Three: Cincinnati v. NUIG CC (the Galway university side). Fine shines the sun on a historic day - our first win on a tour. When the Skipper takes a catch, it's a sign. Buy a lottery ticket.
Fine bowling (Jim one for 23 off eight, Selfish one for 12 off five, Frank four for 47 off eight, Andy O two for nine off 2.3 overs) and superb keeping by Rockie (didn't he used to be chairman? No? Oh, OK) restricts NUIG to 170 all out off 36.3. Rockie polishes off NUIG with a pearler of a one-handed catch off the Chairman's bowling, a la John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
A stubborn (that means dead-slow, scratchy and painful to watch) opening stand of 27 is posted in reply by Cincinnati by the Skipper and Stephen W (I won't use the doughnut boy line as he's rich enough to sue).
When Stephen departs, JP enters, looks in fine fettle but gets caught for just three, followed shortly by the Skipper who gets an absolute snorter (translation: misses a straight one).
No panic. Selfish (53 n/o) and Waistline (56 n/o) carry us home. Cincinnati close triumphantly on 174 (or 171, as it says in the picture) for three off 38.1 overs.
The match is played with fine sportsmanship from NUIG, including their club president Nitin (Rockie's getting ideas) and and the unforgettable "Durcacell"boy from Connemara, Sean O'Malley.
Ronnie, Stephen's father-in-law, surely enters the Guinness Book of records for watching the entirety of both tour matches. They'll never believe it in Ballygar.
Nitin treats us to pizza. We treat him and NUIG to beer. Was it a gay pub? Tappers discovers he's just tiled his new bathroom at home in the same style as the pub's gents toilet.
Day Four: More hospitality from Tommy Glynn and relaxation at the Salthill seaside resort on Galway Bay while the Skip heads inland to the old family homestead.
Amid emotional scenes at Galway Airport, the Chairman presents the Skipper with gifts worth exactly 15 euros 48 cents for organising the tour. Overwhelming. It's the thought that counts, including leaving the price tags on them. But why the leprechaun, chaps?
8.30pm: Tired but content, the tour party arrives back at Luton Airport.
All that remains is for a sweepstake on the train home on the age of Waistline's "fashionable" leather jacket (1997, he says. Er, yeah, right), won by Rockie.
Thanks to everyone - Galway CC, NUIG, Tommy and Malachi Glynn - for a great tour.
Stop Press: Next year's tour will be to Pembrokeshire, hosted by Selfish's old club of Stackpole and Bosherton.

CCC v Whitstable Labour Club, Whitstable

On a rare sunny afternoon, Cincinnati travelled to the historic Kentish fishing town of Whitstable, famous for its Native Oysters and organic ale, to take on the local Labour Club (and sample the ale).


Last year's match at the Radfall Cricket Ground, just outside Whitstable, saw CCC win by nine wickets as the home side's bowlers struggled to contain the Skipper who was in the batting form of his life.
This year, some feared that the contest would be even more one-sided as we fielded one of the strongest batting line-ups of the season, with Selfish, Tom, Dan, Tim M and Jim all in the side - and all with runs behind them this season. The ECB's medical experts had even cleared the Skipper to bat with a runner for the rest of the year.
After a swift sharpener in the pub across the road, where the absent chairman was spotted pretending to be a Carp in the fishpond (we knew he couldn't keep away), Selfish and Tom strode to the crease to make first use of a good batting strip. There was talk of scoring 300 by tea...
Not for long.
Whitstable had unearthed a particularly rapid opening bowler who was getting swing and bounce with the new ball. To general alarm in the visitors' camp, both Selfish and Tom perished cheaply after some promising early shots and Cincinnati were about 30 for 2 when the two Tims came together.
Both had been short of runs recently but the joyous grin on the face of Tim M upon getting off the mark for the first time in three matches was probably visible from space.
The Tims put on a century stand which helped ease the Cincinnati score towards respectability as the Whitstable bowlers continued to apply pressure.
A valuable attacking innings from Jim saw the tail add another 30 or so and Cincinnati finished on 164.
A fine tea, including the now compulsory contributions from Amy, was demolished in seconds and, after a strangely controversial extra two overs of Cincinnati batting, Whitstable began their run chase.
For much of the evening Whitstable were in with a chance of chasing down our meagre total but they kept losing wickets. The highlight of our fielding performance was surely Mark W's pair of brilliant slip catches.
The first rivals the Selfish run out against the Actors and Ash's direct hit against the Saints for the title of this season's best fielding. The ball took the outside edge and flew low to Mark's left but he dived, flung out a hand and somehow got his fingers under the ball just an inch from the ground.
Jim roared in to bowl a spell lasting nearly two hours, getting quicker and angrier as his 12 overs unfolded. The rage which boiled within our star seamer was eventually responsible for denying the home side a win. They finished some way short and despite sometimes dangerous appealing, we couldn't take the last couple of wickets.
Match drawn. The wicket deserves a special mention - considering the amount of rain we've had recently, it played extremely well.
Scores: CCC 164 all out. TimR 62, TimM 35. Whitstable Labour Club c130-8. Jim 4-29.
Season so far: Played 8; Won 3; Drawn 1; Lost 3; Baffled 1.

7) Cincinnati v SB Select @ Battersea Park

Selfish enjoyed a marvelous stag weekend with a nail-biting match v CCC. To be honest, it's all a bit of a blur now. I do have the occasional curious flashback in which the former chairman is repeatedly stroking my bowling through the covers, but I put that down to the pints of Guinness and Baileys that were served up to me later in the evening.

SB Select batted first. Brother of SB retired on 50, and SB and Phil got close to the half century.

CCC put in a tenacious performance: Jim and Max bowled well; the Skipper took a sharp caught and bowled; the Chmn teased a former Lord's cricketer with his nagging off-spin; Dev showed his potential to become a CCC all-rounder; the vice-captain and Will scored undefeated fifties; and the former chairman stood in for SB by scoring almost the maximum number of runs possible without having to retire.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think CCC ended up four of five runs behind SB Select.



I had a great day. Many thanks for your help.

Cincinnati v London Saints

Sunday brought high drama to the timeless tranquility of Elstree in deepest Hertfordshire, where Cincinnati, fresh from a tense defeat in Ham, took on the London Saints.

As players walked to the Old Haberdashers' Ground, past neatly trimmed lawns and mock-Tudor gables, a warm sun shone benevolently on the peaceful heart of English suburbia. Geraniums blushed, gnomes nodded in immaculate front gardens, and two full tins of freshly baked brownies were safely conveyed to the match for tea.

But for a second week running, we were unable to spend long dwelling on the niceties - there was an unhelpful problem to worry about. We were again a team of only 10 men, and this time none of them was Simon.

It rapidly got worse.

Without Selfish in the team, Captain John "Happy" Pickersgill became utterly submerged in a Zen-like state of total selflessness. Even though our star batsman was nowhere to be seen, the skipper elected to go ahead and bat first anyway. And his peerless generosity continued during his own innings: without a moment's hesitation, he offered his front pad to the grateful bowler and was dismissed LBW, selflessly not taking up too much time at the crease.

The score had been moving rapidly along, though, with debutant Ash clubbing a mighty six over midwicket on his way to 17 and Dan, in more classical fashion, sweeping and driving to good effect.

But the wickets continued to fall and we were three down for 40-odd when Lurpak joined Will at the crease.

Both had been comparing hangovers on the train journey north and so decided that, with the loss of early wickets, the pitch keeping low and none of their available eyes functioning particularly well, it would be sensible to settle down and play quietly for a few overs.

With this in mind, Will opened his shoulders and carted the Saints' best bowlers to all corners of the field. He crunched good length balls through the covers, pulled anything short past midwicket and threatened several times to bring down one of the vintage aircraft droning overhead on its stately way to the aerodrome nearby.

At the other end Lurpak quietly went about remembering which end of a bat to hold and the pair put on over 70 together before Will finally fell for a dazzling 53. Lurpak left the scene soon after for 32 and Saints took a firm grip on the match again with some canny bowling.

At tea Cincinnati were all out for 154. It looked like an inadequate total on what was a decent batting pitch.

(Tea was impressive, with fruit, a good brew and a fine array of sandwiches. Crucially, it may just be, there were Amy's lucky chocolate brownies too - the same fortunate confections which had seen us home against old rivals BK at Greenwich earlier in the season.)

Max and Lurpak took the new ball but struggled to make an impression on some determined Saints, who looked like setting out to claim the runs required with minimum fuss. Both openers eventually fell to some late movement through the air and what was probably the best decision any umpire will make all year...

Saints stuck to their task, picking up the runs they needed without much trouble. But Cincinnati, too, showed mettle, hurrying the batsmen with some tight fielding, and trying to apply pressure with accurate bowling and threats of extreme violence from behind the stumps.

The turning point came - as turning points often do - with a moment of freakish genius. An agitated Saint drove crisply to our debutant Ash, who was standing deep at mid-off. Being new, Ash had not yet learned that the customary Cincinnati response is to let the ball sail through your legs and on to the boundary for four.

No, misguided soul that he was, Ash came steaming in and murderously hurled the ball at the bowler's end, scoring a stunning direct hit. A dangerous batsman was on his way and from then on, it seemed that either side could win.

The Chairman then took charge, plying his wily brand of flighted torture, while Steve, Adam and Max kept the pressure on. But with several wickets in hand Saints were in the better position and it looked like they would scrape home.

Then, with just five more runs needed to win, Saints lost their ninth wicket, bringing the last man to the crease. The nerve-shredding tension even managed to silence the chirping from behind the stumps as batsmen and fielders all focused on the one thing that mattered: not screwing up.

Enter Captain California.

In His Infinitely Selfless State of Inner Peace, John threw the ball to Desperate Dan, a batsman. Dan had never bowled for Cincinnati before and was thought to regard bowlers as kindly types who serve up nice red things to hit. No-one, least of all Dan, knew how he would react under the pressure, with one wicket - or three runs - needed for victory.

The breeze dropped. Fielders held their breath. A luminous rainbow appeared in the gloom.

The silence was shattered by the sound of splintering stumps, and then a raw, bloodcurdling howl - Dan had completely lost it as he was swamped by his euphoric team-mates, and Cincinnati had pinched a thrilling win by two runs.

CCC: 154 all out. Will 53. TimR 32.

London Saints: 152 all out. AndyO 3-12.

CCC Vs The Actors - a view from Denmark

Scene: St George's Field, in the Kingdom of Denmark.
Fortinbras and his army approach.





ACT I
As bitter wind whipped across the blasted heath,
A band of men sought sanctuary beneath
A Royal Oak, near th' sporting ground of Kings,
Where deer once were hunted, in sunnier Springs.

But no soon'r had the Team of Ten arrived
Than their chosen fath'r, Chairman O, contrived
To lose his nether raiment, trousers white,
And with them seemed to vanish all his fight.

For all men know what naked soldiers need:
A tailor - or at least a noble steed
To carry dress for battle from afar.
Failing that, a wife or girlfriend in a car.

But Andy had no saviour near enough,
And took the field of battle in the buff.
No Scottish strap had he, nor trusty kilt,
As Jock was slain by John, who, bearing guilt,

Offered up instead a host of merry pants -
Clean, he claimed, and wholly free from ants
Were they - but hardly strong enough to lift
A Chairman's drooping spirit, this paltry gift.

So unhappy men bent weary shoulders
To th' task, while twixt rival chairmen smouldered
Embers others could not grasp - perhaps
A heat from past elections, or th' lapse
Of days since last they met. Much time apart
Surely sharpens pangs of passion from the heart.

Such were the struggles amid the showers
That drenched the scene, it seemed that mighty powers
Must intervene. And so the Captain, hurt,
But brave, returned again to lead us into the dirt.

ACT II
And this is how the tragedy unfolds:
Attacks came early and the Rock was bowled;
Then the Vice - wielding pick - unleashed The Shot,
But a second saw him sadly lose the plot.

Lurpak dropped as low as mallards fly
But could not evade the umpire with one eye.
Heroic hitting at the last from Max,
Alas, merely delayed the quivv'ring axe.

Only Selfish Batting kept the team afloat,
Till even Simon fell. With him sank the boat.

ACT III
At Tea, the ten slain men did eat and drink
But Amy's absent cake, so some did think,
Left void what even Ham could not re-fill.
A stirring speech from Skipper was the pill
Which waked our wounded heroes from their sleep,
And led them to the field again, to keep
Their noble breasts puffed out with London pride
So they could say, "If nothing else, we tried."

ACT IV
And so they fought again, with arrow and sling,
Bending their backs to tempt the ball to swing,
And these determined efforts brought reward:
Twenty runs and four key wickets on the board.

From the teeth of death, they pulled new life,
And it seemed that e'en amidst the fearful strife
This Team of Ten might steal a famous win.
And, Lo! Pigs did fly above the inn!

ACT V
For strapless jocks and spikeless socks, and even
Borrowing Andy's box could not help Stephen
Or his comrades overcome the Actors,
Who had with them the fortune and factors
Beyond the reach of even Swooping Jay;
Chief of them, The Limpet, whose lengthy stay
Crushed all hope from within the Team of Ten
And sent our wounded heroes to the bar again.

Here, scores would be settled and wounds licked,
While two chairmen, in their own war, bit and kicked;
A famous fight-back had come to naught,
And all in the name of leisurely sport.

5) CCC v Actors Anonymous - 1st July 2007

Tomorrow's game will take place here. Click on the map to zoom in. The pitch is opposite Ham House. Ham House website says to take the 371 bus from Richmond, get off at the Royal Oak pub on Ham St and walk half a mile to the house/ground.

Team is: JP, Andy, SB, Max, Steve W, Chris, Rockie, Tim R, Jay, The Don, The Don's son.

Match starts at 2pm prompt. Please arrive around 1pm. 12.09 from Waterloo looks a good option.

A clap from a champ

Selfish Batter today enjoyed a net with two Aussies who were passing through town. Sadly, they will not be available to face Actors Anonymous next weekend.

Please humour me by clicking on the second photo and playing spot the ball.

4) Cincinnati v Caribbean at Tooting

Our Caribbean curse continues at Tooting - and this time we took a bit of a lickin'. Our batting display was pretty good. Openers SB and Tom put on over 100 for the first wicket, and we ended up with 205-9 off 35 overs. The highlights were a half-century from SB and handy 40-somethings from Tom and Will. Special mention goes to our self-appointed Best Player, who returned to the crease after a period of illness with thighs resembling Gladiator.


At tea-time, our two skippers consulted to hatch a bowling strategy. In retrospect, perhaps this picture marks the moment when things started to go wrong.

Unfortunately, our opponents had also noticed that there was a short boundary on one side of the wicket. Despite some valiant fielding, our bowlers took some heavy punishment as Caribbean reached the winning total for the loss of just one wicket.



At the close of play, our hands and egos bruised, we were left to ponder whether Tim M's pre-match musing of "I could have finished A Winter's Tale today" wouldn't indeed have been a better way to spend the day.

Result: Lost
Scores: CCC: 205-9 in 35 overs; Caribbean: 206-1 in about 25 overs.
Season so far: P4, W2, L1, ?1

Spot your favourite Cincinnati player

The lull in the fixture list gives us a chance to go back to our roots and reassess our progress. Have a look at this episode of Dad's Army - there are some striking similarities to Cincinnati. The relationship between Mainwaring and Wilson is reminiscent of that between another captain and his vice. Corporal Jones's batting has something of the ex-Chairman about it. And the umpire's joy at raising his finger could apply to any one of us really.